


If Things Were a Little Different

by write_lets_do_this



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Banana Fish Anime Spoilers, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Post-Canon Banana Fish, They all do it hurts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-26 12:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30105654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/write_lets_do_this/pseuds/write_lets_do_this
Summary: When Eiji goes back to Japan, returning to the normal life he'd been living before seems like an almost impossible feat. And it only gets worse from there. After a horrific phone call, and the realisation that the world he's just left is now gone forever, the only way he can cope is to pretend that none of it happened at all. But some ghosts just don't want to stay buried.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

The almost silent drone of the aeroplane engines was drowned out by the muttering of all the people sat around Eiji. Some were chatting to whoever was sat next to them, while others were plugged into the television screen embedded in the headrest in front of them, tiny droplets of noise trickling out of headphones and adding to the endless hum that flowed around him.

For the first few hours, he had tried to sleep, letting the background noise lull him to sleep while Ibe, sat next to him, had his head buried in a book. He hadn’t had enough energy to do more than doze while they flew, thousands of feet above the world, leaving the life he’d found behind.

Ash had never turned up at the airport. His absence still weighed on Eiji’s mind, the flickering of doubt a tiny spark that occasionally drifted too close for his liking. It wasn’t exactly unusual for Ash to go running off into the unknown, only to turn up hours, or even days later, with some new development.

But Dino was dead now. Blanca had left. The other gangs seemed to content to let the newfound peace last. Even Yut-Lung hadn’t seemed about to come up with any more disasters. If there was ever going to be any kind of peace, it would be now.

But Ash was Ash, and nothing in New York ever seemed to hold still for more than a moment. By the time the plane landed, Eiji would no doubt have a reassurance of Ash’s presence waiting for him from Sing.

It still stung that Ash had decided not to turn up, and with hours trapped with nothing more than his thoughts and whatever films the plane’s entertainment system had to offer, Eiji knew that the doubt seeded inside of him would have plenty of room to grow.

After all that had happened, it seemed impossible that he was going back to the life before Ash and all the chaos of New York. Before all the others he’d met there. Before he knew his life had changed in some insane, irrevocable way. And now he had to go back to Japan and live his life as if he were the same person as he had been before he’d left.

***

“Welcome to Japan.”

Eiji’s eyes snapped open as Ibe nudged him gently, their bags already rescued from the overhead lockers. “It’s time to go. We’re home now.”

He smiled sleepily and let himself be bundled into the wheelchair, too tired to do it himself despite the hours of sleep he’d managed to get during the flight. The noise of the airport, with people snatching up belongings and hurrying to their various destinations across the sprawl of the building was enough to make Eiji glad he didn’t have to worry about navigating this place himself.

Within a matter of minutes, Ibe had them both in the taxi and on their way to his house. He’d agreed to let Eiji stay there for a few days before going back to see his sister and parents again. Eiji wasn’t exactly sure why he’d been so reluctant about the prospect of seeing his family again, but something about it daunted him. Maybe it was just the fact that it meant that his time with Ash was well and truly over.

Until Ash could make it to Japan, that was.

That thought had him digging through all the pockets of his coat until he found his phone. When he’d booted it up, a couple of missed calls flashed through, both from Sing, from not more than an hour ago. He guessed Sing had got hold of the flight schedule and waited for them to land in Japan before bothering to call.

As soon as they got off, right outside Ibe’s house, Eiji pulled up Sing’s number and waited for someone to answer on the other end.

“Eiji? How was the flight?” Sing sounded about as on-edge as he usually did.

“Fine, thanks.” He hesitated momentarily, knowing that Sing would be anticipating what he was about to ask already. “Is Ash-”

“He hasn’t turned up yet,” Sing said, answering before Eiji could finish his question. “But he’ll be fine. He was probably just too scared to say goodbye to you.”

Eiji laughed. As if Ash would be scared of him. “So he’s still out, then?”

“Yep. I’ll tell you when he comes back. You know how he is. We’d be looking for weeks if we went to find him. He’ll turn up at some point.”

A half-moment later, some indistinct noises came from Sing’s end, and then the sound of Sing cursing.

“Eiji!”

Bones’s voice was a familiar relief. Everyone else was doing well enough.

“Hey! Get out of the way.” Eiji guessed this was directed at someone else on the other end.

“Hi Eiji.” Kong. Of course he would be fighting Bones for the phone. “How was the flight?”

“Good, thanks. I slept through most of it.” A small smile pulled on his lips as he was reminded that leaving New York didn’t mean leaving everything behind. Ash would still be there. So would all the others. As long as nothing else went drastically wrong for a while, though that felt like a lot to hope for, when they’d barely had more than a few hours of peace the entire time he’d been in New York.

By the time everyone had had their fill of making sure that Eiji had survived the perilous fifteen-hour flight from New York, Eiji could barely keep his eyes open. He supposed he was still a way away from being completely healed, which made doing anything so many times more effort than it would normally. By now, he had been talking to the others for long enough that he would undoubtedly have a ridiculously large bill to pay for after it.

It was worth it though: hearing those voices again, even less than a day after leaving them, was still a relief.

And it stayed a relief, even a day later, with still no sign of Ash. He hadn’t even read the numerous texts that Eiji had let pile up, though he had no idea whether the number he’d been sending to was still the one that Ash used – it was perfectly possible that he’d already switched numbers again since the last time Eiji had seen him. He’d had to stop himself from messaging anymore after the tenth ‘please say when you get back to the others’. Ash was Ash, and he’d surely be no worse off is he didn’t receive an hourly text from Eiji asking if he was okay.

They’d managed longer apart before, Eiji was sure.

Even so, the more he flicked through his memories of the last few months, the more he remembered that every time Ash had left for long, something bad had happened. Every time that he’d let him go, he’d regretted it. And now, here he was, on the other side of the world, too far away to do anything but hope that Ash would re-emerge from whatever hole he’d disappeared into.

And now, he was supposed to be naïve enough to believe that nothing was wrong. That nothing had happened. That nothing had gone wrong. In Ash’s world, something was always going wrong; you just had to hope it wasn’t something too close or too important that it dragged you in, too.

“You know, Ash is probably doing just fine.”

Eiji looked up to see Ibe hovering by the doorframe, watching as Eiji sat on the sofa, staring at his phone as it displayed the long list of texts he’d sent to Ash, unread and unreplied to.

“He didn’t even come to say goodbye.” Oh, how pathetic Eiji sounded. The sound of his weak voice was almost enough to make him recoil. Ash was likely perfectly well, off on some hair-brained scheme that would suddenly appear out of nowhere, ready to whisk Sing and Alex and all the others back into action.

“He’ll come back; you know how he is. Worrying about it won’t help.” Ibe paused, hesitating over something that Eiji guessed he knew he wouldn’t like to hear. “The doctor will be coming round to do more check-ups on you tomorrow, to make sure you’re healing fine.”

Eiji nodded and looked away. It wasn’t as if he had an awful lot to do until he started back at university, and was recovered enough to start helping Ibe out again. That was yet another thing that would feel weird after months of running around New York, with every decision feeling like it could cost the world. Everything was going to be normal now, and though he knew that was exactly why Ash had refused to keep in contact with him, it felt impossible to carry on with his life exactly as he’d left it, as if he’d never met Ash, or had his whole world completely changed by him.

After a thorough examination, the doctor eventually decided that Eiji could start to be weaned off the wheelchair, with a few exercises a day to get his legs used to taking his full weight again. He’d almost laughed at how tentative this recovery process was; if Ash had been in this position, he’d already be running about again, unbothered by his injuries. Still, he was glad he didn’t have his life at stake now – with Ash, he never got much of a chance to recover from anything; it was either carry on or wait to be killed.

“You’ll be back to full health in a month or two, don’t worry,” the doctor said, a wide smile of confidence spread across her face, seemingly trying to use positivity to speed Eiji’s recovery..

Another day passed, filled mostly with Ibe wheeling about the city, as if Eiji had never been to the place he’d grown up before, re-familiarising himself with sights that felt more part of another life than the one he had been living for the last few weeks.

“I’ve got some more commissions for photos coming in soon,” Ibe had mentioned, promising that Eiji could help as soon as he was well enough to walk a further than just stumbling around the house..

***

A loud buzz pulled Eiji out of sleep and into the early hours of morning. He grabbed his phone to find Sing’s number flashing on the screen. Already something felt off, but the time difference probably made it midmorning for them, even if for Eiji, it was still the middle of the night.

“Hello?” He stifled a yawn as he put the phone to his ear.

“Eiji, it’s Sing.” The fear in his voice sent ice into Eiji’s gut.

“Right. What’s happened?”

Sing let out a breath, sending a low draft of static through to Eiji’s end of the line.

“What happened?” Eiji tried again.

“Um, well, something happened… We haven’t got all the details yet, but it’s…” Another breath. “It’s pretty bad.”

Another burst of static came down the line, ringing through Eiji’s head as he waited for Sing to explain whatever had happened.

“Ash is dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear it gets better after this. But you'll just have to wait and see with the next chapter hehe.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment :)


	2. Chapter 2

“Ash is dead.”

All sensation in Eiji’s body drained away. This. This was the worst thing that could possibly have happened. It had barely been days since he’d left. Days and that was all it had taken for the worst possible thing to have happened to Ash.

Dead.

It was impossible. After all they had survived together, and all the hell Ash had somehow managed to live through before that. There was no way he could have died now. No way that he could have just given up, not when everything had finally shown a scrap of half a chance of being okay.

“Eiji?” Sing’s voice was barely enough to drag him back to reality. “You still there?”

Ash was gone. Forever. Dead.

Was that what he was being told? Was that the world he had to live in? He’d been content to say goodbye to America, to New York, to the other friends he’d made there. But he had never agreed to say goodbye to Ash. Ash was the one thing he’d let himself cling onto, the one thing that he knew he couldn’t leave behind, the one thing that meant everything. Had meant everything.

“Eiji!” The door burst open as Ibe came hurrying in, somehow awake and knowing that Eiji was in the worst pain he’d ever been in. The sound of his voice was barely audible over the agonising cry that seemed to be coming from everywhere.

It wasn’t until Ibe spoke again that Eiji realised that it was he who had been making that broken noise. He shut his mouth and dragged the scream down inside, where no-one else had to hear it. He wasn’t the only one that had cared about Ash. He wouldn’t have been the only one hurt by the knowledge that Ash was gone.

As Ibe’s arms wrapped around him, Eiji could feel the edges of his world start to crack, crumbling in the absence of Ash.

Dimly, the sound of Sing’s voice slowly started to filter back into his consciousness.

“…and they said they found Lao, too. With a knife and a gun or something. I think he was trying to stop me fighting Ash. The idiot wouldn’t listen. If he’d come back, I would’ve told him the fight was off.” Faint sniffles were just audible as Sing cut himself off.

“Sing,” Ibe started, his voice already soft, weary, the shock of hearing about yet another person die having been bypassed almost instantly. Though, he’d known what New York was like as well as Eiji. Maybe he’d been a bit less optimistic about what would have happened once they left.

No-one spoke for a minute, Eiji waiting silently for the one of the others to speak. He didn’t have to face it in front of them. To be honest, he wasn’t sure he could. He could just about manage to shove the thought of it aside long enough to sit through Sing breaking down, whispering over the phone about his brother, about Ash, about the rest of the gang that he’d had thrust upon his shoulders, without a single opportunity to figure it all out.

Ibe offered noises of comfort every so often, though Eiji noticed the frequent glances aimed at him as Ibe leaned over the phone, offering whatever small amount of steadfast warmth he could.

Their conversation faded from Eiji’s awareness as he flickered through the past few months, from the first time he’d met Ash, all those lifetimes ago, to the last time he’d heard his voice, in the hospital. His eyes had been next to useless then, but relying solely on the sound of Ash’s voice in that moment only meant that he could recall it better now, a small plank of wood he could hold onto in the roiling sea of grief that had flooded every thought from the moment Sing had told him Ash was dead.

***

Light shone down brightly onto Eiji’s face, making him wince, and then wince again as he realised how stiff his back was. He must have fallen asleep while Ibe had been talking to Sing.

As he yawned and tried to rouse himself a little more, the memory of last night came back.

He doubled over, hugging his legs knees to his chest as sobs tried to break their way out of his chest. Even as he forced his face into his knees, sound escaped, drilling through his ears even as he tried to stop.

But there was no stopping the agony of what had happened. Ash was gone. It seemed impossible, but he was. Ash, the person who had saved his life so many times, who had done so much to make sure Eiji was safe, had somehow failed to do the same for himself.

Air refused to go into his lungs fast enough, stealing his cries before they could even escape, leaving all the pain trapped inside. He had no escape from the knowledge that he’d never get to see Ash again, to remind Ash that there was someone in the world who loved him, to hold him close enough that they could both believe for a moment that nothing could hurt them.

“Eiji!”

There was nothing that could stop the pain, stop the memories from flooding in unbidden, stop the feeling that a void was left in him, leaving him barely half alive. The rest of his soul had died with Ash. That, he was certain of.

“Eiji. It’s okay.”

He’d never heard such a blatant lie come out of Ibe’s mouth.

“Come on. I know it hurts…” These sounded more like a plea than a demand, and as Ibe wrapped his arms around Eiji, pulling him in until he didn’t have enough room to shake anymore, Eiji couldn’t help but think of how much Ash must have needed this. How much had deserved all the hugs in the world, every chance to escape all the torment that those bastards had put him through.

And now, he’d never get that. He’d died alone, and Eiji could only hope that he’d known how much he was loved in that moment, that Ash had known that Eiji would be waiting for him forever. That Eiji would never leave him, never give up on him, never let him hurt alone. But he’d already failed in that again. He hadn’t even been there when Ash had died, and maybe if he had stayed, Ash wouldn’t have died at all. If he hadn’t left, Ash would have had no reason to disappear again by himself, to be hurt again when all he deserved was peace, something that seemed to elude the poor boy despite his every effort to reach it. And he had deserved it so, so much.

***

“Do you want to go the funeral? If you want, I could get us tickets. Or we could video call…”

Eiji shook his head and turned away. There was no way he could go back to New York now, or see all those faces without Ash there with them. He couldn’t bear the thought of being anywhere in America without Ash by his side. He’d already said goodbye to New York; he couldn’t bring himself to go back on that now. He didn’t want to have to go back on another of the things he’d promised himself.

“You sure? The other boys might want to see you. But it’s fine. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”

He knew Ibe was trying to be kind, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that the man was afraid of breaking him more, as if that were even possible. He didn’t need to be treated like a little child or be given all this attention. Ash was the one who had died. Eiji just wanted to be alone.

Ibe nodded and got to his feet as Eiji wheeled himself away from the window and back towards his bed. Today just needed to be over; he’d managed to get out of bed and eat something. It was more than usual, by current standards. And then he’d just lie there until sleep eventually carried him away.

Which, right now, was all he wanted to do. Not that it felt easy anymore. Alone with his thoughts, he was trapped with the memories of Ash, the reminders of his absence and the pain that followed him everywhere. Sleep should have been a promise of release from that, but even in his dreams, Ash haunted him, as if his spirit knew how much he didn’t want to let go. As if Ash, even dead, knew that Eiji would always hold onto him. Always have him in his heart. It might have been a comfort to think that Ash knew Eiji was still holding onto him if it didn’t hurt so unbearably bad. He’d promised Ash forever, and it was near impossible to live with the truth of his lie.

The thought of having to attend Ash’s funeral, even if the only other people there were Ash’s gang and maybe Sing and Cain, was more than Eiji could bear. And the others there would need to grieve, too. He knew he’d be no help in that, even if some of them did want to see him. He didn’t have to add his pain to theirs, to thrust it upon them on top of the weight of all the other responsibilities, including the ones left behind with Ash being gone. If he went he’d be nothing more than a burden, an extra pain that none of them needed.

No, staying here, away from that world, was easily the best choice.

***

After that, time seemed to drift by, each day another husk, devoid of the one person Eiji wished he could still have. He wondered how he had expected to live without Ash, even knowing that he was somewhere alive on the other side of the world. He supposed it had to be easier than this, because now, he couldn’t even hope that he’d be able to see Ash again, some hopeful day in the future. Now, his best hope was that he could find Ash in whatever world there was waiting for him when he died.

He could barely keep himself from hoping that that day would come sooner, that he could be reunited with Ash before he had to spend the rest of this lifetime alone. And how Ash must have hurt in those moments, knowing that Eiji had left him, even if he’d promised to return. Ash had never been blind to how Eiji had felt about him; he’d made sure of that, but he could only wish that his memory of that had survived long enough to carry Ash out of the world with him with a little more peace.

Ash’s funeral day had passed sometime last week, though the only thing that marked it out from the other days was Ibe disappearing for a few hours into his office while Max called him through the whole ceremony.

Eiji had listened to a little of it through the door, silently listening while Ibe watched it unfold, completely unaware that Eiji was listening in too. He’d gone the moment it had quietened down enough that Ibe might have been able to hear his quiet sobs outside.

Now, Eiji could barely summon enough feeling of any kind to motivate him to go even as far as downstairs. He hadn’t left the house in days, even after Ibe’s quiet insistence that getting outside would at least give him a chance to see a bit of life.

But it was so unfair that there was still so much of it all that around him, while Ash had lost it all. That he had all this pointless life surrounding him, but no Ash there to make any of it seem worth it.

He knew that people would expect him to start going back to university, or keep working with Ibe, or even go and move back in with his family. He hadn’t seen any of them since weeks before going to New York, but he couldn’t face the thought of going back and having to pretend that everything was fine. Loading the loss of Ash onto them was out of the question, but he still couldn’t keep the memory of him out of his head long enough to even hold a single conversation without his mind drifting inevitably back in that direction.

“You should see them at some point. They miss you; you know.”

Eiji nodded and turned away. Perhaps he should have forced himself to have at least visited them once by now, but seeing them again meant putting Ash firmly in the past, somewhere out of reach, where Eiji wouldn’t be able to hold onto him. Not that now was any better.

“Do you want me to ask them to come round some time?”

It was pathetic – having to get Ibe to talk to Eiji’s own family on his behalf, as if he were too shy of them to say anything of his own. Surely, he ought to be able to do that himself.

“No.”

Ibe shrugged and left Eiji alone again, with whatever space he thought Eiji needed, as if having all this emptiness around him would draw out the hollow in Eiji’s chest where Ash’s ghost was. Sometimes Eiji wished it would. That he could let out all the pain and free Ash from this world, from all the pain and horrors it had bestowed on him, even if that meant sacrificing himself. It was pure selfishness that kept him clinging onto Ash’s memory, and held him trapped in this world that had done nothing but hurl its worst in Ash’s direction.

***

“Heya.”

Max smiled down at Eiji, one hand holding Jessica’s, the other gripping onto an unmarked package far more tightly than he needed to.

“Hi.” Eiji even managed to put something that felt vaguely like a smile on his lips, though it felt closer to a half-hearted grimace than anything that could mimic happiness.

With Eiji’s recovery slowed to an almost non-existent pace, Max had to crouch down in front of Eiji’s wheelchair just to be level with him. Beside him, Michael clung on to his shoulder, peering at Eiji with as much of the wide-eyed curiosity as he’d had the last time Eiji had seen him, and the hesitant familiarity that small children seemed to have when they saw someone they weren’t entirely sure they remembered meeting.

“How are you holding up?” Max asked.

“Fine.” They both knew that wasn’t the truth, but questions like that weren’t expected to get honest answers. “You?”

Max nodded, his gaze slipping towards Michael, who still stood glued to his side. “You remember Eiji, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” The boy nodded, glancing between his parents before withdrawing to his mother’s side. Jessica smiled at Eiji, though said nothing as she coaxed Michael out of the room, offering some kind of meaningful glance to Max before she disappeared through the door with her son.

When Ibe followed them out, Eiji knew for sure that there was something amiss.

“I managed to get hold of something before I left. The cops decided they didn’t need to keep it for evidence, so I thought you should have it back.”

Eiji’s heart sank right through the floor as Max pushed the parcel he’d been holding into Eiji’s hands.

“None of the other boys know about it, by the way. And I didn’t look at it. They told me who it was from, so I thought I’d bring it with us since we were thinking of heading over to see you guys anyway.”

“Thank you.” Eiji couldn’t bring himself to plaster on another smile. He hadn’t even opened the packaging, but he knew exactly what was inside. He didn’t know if he’d ever summon up the courage to read it again, those words meant for someone who might not even have lived long enough to read them.

“They wanted to see you, too. I think they miss having you around. Made them feel like they were boys again, not just some part of a gang. Bones and Kong wanted me to say hi for them.”

He didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t read a single message of theirs since Sing’s call. That he had no idea what was happening over there anymore because he couldn’t bear to think of New York without Ash in it.

But Max was just another person, who was probably as hurt by Ash’s death as Eiji was. He didn’t need Eiji’s pain added to whatever burdens he was already carrying. He’d already flown all the way out here; there was nothing but discomfort waiting if he told him how much he hated this.

It was almost laughable really: Eiji was too afraid to see his family because he didn’t want to put Ash behind him, but he couldn’t speak to the people he’d met because of Ash either. Perhaps there was no logical reason for it, but either way, he was a coward. He was trapped between two worlds that, if he dared face either of them, would force him to accept that Ash was gone.

“I’ll talk to them sometime,” he said eventually. It was non-committal enough that he didn’t have any promise to hold himself to in the likelihood that he never spoke to any of them again. But it was enough to satisfy Max.***

When, hours later, the family had gone, leaving Ibe and Eiji alone once again, Eiji found himself absently peeling back the seal of the package Max had handed him.

Before he could reopen that wound, he dropped it, glad that being stuck in his wheelchair made it almost impossible for him to pick it up again, even if it meant leaving it on the floor in the middle of the room until he summoned the will to walk again.

“Seeing them didn’t spark any desire to see your own family?” Ibe asked from the doorway, leaning in with an awkward tentativeness that meant Ibe wasn’t expecting a response from him. Before Max had turned up today, Eiji had managed the whole week without uttering more than a handful of words in Ibe’s direction.

Eiji shrugged. “If you want me to move out and live with them instead, you could just say. I don’t mind, if you need the space.”

Ibe’s eyes widened momentarily before he stepped into the room, plopping himself down cautiously onto one corner of Eiji’s bed. “You’re free to stay here as long as you need. I’m just worried about your parents, too. You haven’t seen them in a long time; they don’t know how you are.”

“They’d probably feel worse if they did know. They don’t need another reason to worry about me.”

“Staying away won’t stop them from worrying, Eiji. It might help seeing them again. You can’t hide here forever.”

An empty laugh managed to push itself out of Eiji’s mouth. “So you really are going to turf me out, then?”

“No. Just think about it, okay?”

On his way out of the door, Ibe hesitated, his gaze focused on something out of Eiji’s sight on the floor. “Did you drop this?”

Eiji froze for a second, then nodded silently, waiting for Ibe to pick up the parcel and place it on the cupboard pressed up against the far wall before letting out a breath.

For a long moment, the two of them stared at each other across the room. Eiji sat there, hoping Ibe would just quietly move past it and leave as if nothing had happened. At last, Ibe gave in and turned to the door. When it shut, Eiji flopped down onto his bed and let his mind drift, too tired to heave himself over to turn out the light.

As usual, the first place his mind wandered to was Ash. He was a magnet in Eiji’s mind, someone that drew him in even when he knew it would only make things worse. That was how it had been from the start. Hell, he’d even asked to hold Ash’s gun the first time they’d met, as if that wasn’t asking to be shot. He wondered what had made Ash trust him enough then to actually hand it to him, and not laugh it off or actually aim it in his direction.

But now that Ash was gone, Eiji couldn’t keep himself from dreaming of him, of momentarily forgetting that Ash wasn’t there, only to have the truth return in a flash to stab him in the chest a thousand times over. It was an inevitable cycle that he didn’t have the strength to break himself out of, or, in truth, the will. He’d be clinging on to the memory of Ash for the rest of his life. He was already sure of that. The best he could do was hope that it stopped hurting quite so much to remember him.

By the time he woke again the next morning, his eyes sore from sleeping with the light on all night, and perhaps also a few more tears shed, Eiji resolved himself.

The letter had to go somewhere where he wouldn’t be constantly reaching for it, somewhere where it could reside safely out of his grasp. If he couldn’t get to it, but knew that that one small piece of evidence proving Ash’s existence, and how important he had been, was still out there, he could accept it.

He heaved himself into his wheelchair, ignoring the day-old clothes he’d slept in last night that begged to be change out of, and grabbed the parcel from the side, its seal still half-closed. The moment he had it in his hands, his confidence drained away. the realisation hit him that he was getting rid of the last physical piece of Ash that he had left. Even if it were still there, somewhere, he’d be spending his life hiding from it, too afraid to acknowledge that Ash was gone forever, or that he was allowed to feel something about it.

The hesitation was enough to stop Eiji in his tracks. He had the rest of his empty life to decide what to do with the letter. And he knew he wasn’t ready to face whatever evidence there was of Ash having read it.

He still remembered what it said, even if he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge it yet. All the promises and hopes and dreams he’d poured in there, hoping that some of it would rub off and make Ash’s life just a little bit easier, a little bit brighter and more hopeful. For all the good that it had done.

For now, he could leave it. It could wait. There could be hesitation for a while. It wasn’t as if Ash was in any great hurry now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for reading and sticking with this story. The next chapter will be out the same time next week.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it. Comments are welcome down below so please feel free to share your thoughts :)


End file.
